Friendship is kind of like love. You know it when you see it
but trying to come up with a clear and universal definition can make your head
ache. As a
psychotherapist, I hear people talk about relationships all the time, but I
found myself wanting a broader understanding of people’s views on
friendship. So, I put together an online
survey about it. It’s clearly a topic near and dear to our hearts because over
600 people responded. I asked a lot of different questions about friendship and
got hundreds of detailed responses. People shared their most interesting and
poignant perspectives when I asked them to write about how they defined
friendship.
photo courtesy of Robin Smirnov
Some noteworthy comments about how hard it is to pin down a
good definition include:
'Friendship' is a weird, nebulous concept. I wish I had some good theory of friendship, but I mostly just know it when I see it.
I don't have a great definition, but I know it's critical to my life.
Friendship
comes in so many forms today it is difficult to define.
Trust and authenticity came up over and over:
Friendship is having someone you like, respect, and trust who likes, respects, and trusts you.
Friends are the people you trust enough to be yourself with
Friends
should be trustworthy, honest and supportive.
A friend
should be authentic, available, committed to my spiritual, mental and emotional
growth.
A friend is
someone who trusts me, and is trustworthy.
The level of
trust changes and the conversations become deeper, a great need to keep in
contact. Levels of intimacy in sharing, confiding, being there.
Connection
and acceptance were considered crucial for close friendships:
Friends accept and acknowledge each other's differences as a part of who they are, and only try to change them if they actually want to change.
Friendship is
about accepting, I think. It's about sharing some value or interest or goal and
seeing that shared piece and treasuring it.
I define
friendship as enduring and non-judgmental but I'll tell you the truth, it’s
about connection.
Friendship is
a bond between two people that fosters intimacy and connectedness.
I know I have
a friend when I can be myself 100%.
Those that
accept and embrace weird personality quirks and don't shame each other for
them.
I would hope
that unconditional affection and love, caring and compassion are all part of
it.
Comfort
and joy in each other’s company, doing things together, and having shared
interests were also highly endorsed:
Friendship is someone you do things with like going to dinner, lunch, or shopping in your free time. I find it easier to maintain a friendship with someone who lives close by, has the same relationship status, has children similar in ages to yours, and has similar interests.
You should be
able to relax around a friend and they should make you feel positive about
yourself.
My friends
share my interests, values and goals. They are responsive, respectful, and keep
their judgments to themselves.
Friendship is
when two or more people mutually enjoy the presence of one another. It is
something that happens naturally. You cannot force it. Traits that I prefer
include being a good listener, great with advice, emotional support, as well as
being able to open up to me in return. I know I have a friend when I can be
myself 100%.
Loyalty,
honesty, sense of humour, ability to listen as well as converse, warmth,
ability to give feedback in a kind manner.
Feeling
comfortable and enjoying another's company. Trust, honesty and integrity. When
you feel truly comfortable spending time together.
A friend is
someone who is non-judgmental towards me, shares some interests, is interested
in me as a person and someone I enjoy spending time with.
Friendship is
enjoying the other person's company, bonding with each other and being there
emotionally.
Loving
and having affection for one another was also a common component:
I would hope that unconditional affection and love, caring and compassion are all part of it.
What I look
for in a friend is someone who likes me, of course. Someone that's easy to talk
to and who I can get along with really well.
The comfort,
enjoyment and ease of being in anothers' company. Joyful anticipation of
meeting/talking, taking a genuine and heartfelt interest in the other person.
A friend
cares.
A friend is
someone that you go out of your way to make time for, do things for, and care
for. It is born out of love and care, generally through
time/experiences/circumstances. It is work to be a good friend, and the rewards
are similar to completing any difficult project/goal.
Friendship is
having someone you like, respect, and trust who likes, respects, and trusts
you. Trust, love, kindness, patience, sharing, related interests, support.
Trust, love,
kindness, patience, sharing, related interests, support.
In our
friendship, we have each other's backs, trust each other and love each other.
We are
friends if we love each other. We are best friends when I love them more than
myself, and vice versa.
Knowing
each other well, being able to count on one another and supporting each other
during the hard times were frequently cited:.
Friends support each other in hard times and celebrate together in good times.
Friendship is
the ability to count on someone for both practical and emotional needs.
Friends hold
you up when you can't hold yourself up. They have your back at all times but
also hold you accountable. They're loving, compassionate, firm, and constant
Remembering
what/who is important for them.
Friendship is
being available to someone when they need you no matter how long it has been
since you have seen or spoken to them.
Once you feel
like you can call someone if you need help without feeling as though you are a
burden, that's when someone becomes a friend.
Friendship is
helping each other out, just because you want to. It's taking an interest in
another's life.
A friend is
someone who can be counted on to be there when the chips are down.
Friends are
close. They know me. They understand.
People also made some interesting points about those who
seemed like friends but weren’t. The popular term for this type of person is a
frenemy. It’s clear from some of the responses that frenemies have caused
considerable pain to those who thought they were really their friends.
I've had friends where we constantly bump heads and it's almost as if the friendship was a competition and I don't think that's healthy.
Someone I thought was my very best friend told me after my divorce that my depression made her depressed and she didn't want to be around me.
People have
become selfish and have misplaced values.
It is hard to
see that long-term friendships can still end. I thought that after age 50, our
friendships were cemented for life, but was recently dropped by two women I
thought of as good friends.
Compassion,
empathy, open-mindedness are important but often lacking in society.
By my own
definition, trust is the key variable in friendship, so I'm not certain anyone
I don't trust can possibly be a friend. I'm a bit sad to reach that conclusion,
especially since my own struggles to trust those around me may prevent close
relationships.
A friend is
someone you can share secrets with and know you won't be judged by labels, but
just by your character. A friend is someone who is there for you through
successes and failures but doesn't use it as gossip material.
Because of
social media, friends of friends are more able to cause trouble with other
friends, causing an uprising in cynical activities.
Some of the
characteristics of a true friend include trustworthy, kind, considerate, caring,
not controlling, secure personality, available, patient, encouraging, rejoices
in your success- not jealous.
I want to express my most sincere gratitude to those who shared their opinions and stories about friendship with me. Check back for future blogs where I will be exploring the topic of friendship further and sharing more results from my survey.
I want to express my most sincere gratitude to those who shared their opinions and stories about friendship with me. Check back for future blogs where I will be exploring the topic of friendship further and sharing more results from my survey.
Here is the link if you would like to respond to my friendship survey:
