Monday, February 19, 2024

I BELIEVE in Ted Lasso

Like many people, I had a hard time believing how mean-spirited and destructive toxic narcissism could be until I was proverbially smacked upside the head by it in ways I couldn’t ignore or benignly explain away. I look at the world a little differently now. Whenever possible, I like to share my hard-won insights to help others navigate the world with a little less pain and a lot more joy.

 

We recently started watching the Apple TV show Ted Lasso. As a clinical psychologist, considering the emotional intelligence of characters in the TV series and movies I watch adds a lot to my viewing pleasure and Ted Lasso has a lot to recommend it. I also happen to be reading Dr. Ramini Durvasula’s book Don’t You Know Who I Am?, so I have been thinking a lot more than usual about narcissism and how it manifests in daily life. If you haven’t read anything by Dr. Ramini or checked out her YouTube channel, you should. She’s a very wise and rare gem and a breath of fresh air in a difficult world. 

 

I see Ted as an “anti-narcissist.” It’s fascinating to watch him interact with difficult people with a gentle non-judgmental cheerfulness that can be brittle at times but is always striving for connection and understanding. He has a lot of love in his heart, and it shows. Ted’s superpower is making people feel emotionally safe, which generally builds trust, respect, and affection. Over the course of the series, you see him bring out the best in others by simply being his authentic caring self, which isn’t actually so simple at all. 

 

We just watched episode 10 of season 3 called “International Break.” It really got me thinking about how skillfully the characters in Ted’s circle have learned to deal with the narcissistic people in their lives. They are learning to skillfully avoid getting sucked into the manipulation and boundary violations of the exploitative people they find themselves subjected to. In this episode, (SPOILER ALERT!) we see Rupert try to ruin Nathan’s budding romance with Jade by setting him up to spend what was supposed to be a “boy’s night” in the company of two exceptionally lovely and seductive young women at a private club. We see Jack ghost Keeley and then pull the funding from her company. We see Akufo host an exclusive meeting with club owners to convince them to further commercialize football to increase their profits, ignoring the love of the game and the devotion of its fans. We also saw Akufo go to great lengths to undermine Sam’s restaurant. Last of all, we see a warm moment between Rebecca and Rupert, which leads to Rupert (as usual) attempting to violate Rebecca’s boundaries and assert his dominance.

 

All of this would be very disturbing, except Rebecca, Nathan, Sam, and Keeley have benefited from Ted and Dr. Sharon’s gentle wisdom and guidance. Ultimately, they handle these challenges masterfully and it’s such a pleasure to watch. Nathan finally see’s Rupert for who he really is, and decides he has to quit as his house of cards comes crashing down around him. Keeley realizes she ignored all the red flags around Jack. During a bout of serious misery and soul-searching, she builds an actual house of cards on the bar at Mae’s pub. As she watches it fall, she sees who she can turn to and what really matters in her life. She gets a little closer to understanding what real love is as we cheer her on. Sam doesn’t bend to Akufo’s pressure. He’s sucked into playing the “hand-shake game” with Akufo’s lackey, who once again “pulls the football” on him as Peanuts’ Lucy perpetually did with Charley Brown. But Sam remains impassive, unperturbed by Akufo’s puerile machinations. 

 

The piece-de-resistance is when Rebecca calls out Akufo during their meeting. She gives what I call the “how-dare-you response” in the form of an eloquent soliloquy about the worthlessness of making money simply to accumulate wealth you don’t need and the true meaning of the game of football for the team owners and the devoted fans. It’s a beautiful moment. We should all cultivate our ability to formulate adroit “how-dare-you responses” when we’re being gaslit by toxic narcissists. The world will be a much better place for it. The brilliance of this move is that it shrewdly rips the mask of civility off Akufo, showing all present that he is not someone they would ever want to associate with. The ensuing food fight must have been hilarious to film, but we only see the aftermath as a bunch of stodgy old men remember how to laugh at themselves.

 

The scene concludes with a moment of connection between Rebecca and Rupert, which gives you a rare glimpse into the man she thought he was when she fell in love with him. As is his wont, he misinterprets the situation as sexual instead of sweet, which is his singular response to any woman who shows him any warmth or interest. Rebecca skillfully asserts her boundaries and realizes she no longer feels the need to allow him to influence her life and her decisions. She has come a long way from the first episode. She is finally free.  

 

I think Ted Lasso’s wild popularity stems from moments like these. The series is almost over, and I will miss these characters a lot. Watching them grow, connect, and learn to trust one another has been pure pleasure. The show has given those of us who’ve been paying attention a playbook for adeptly facing challenges and building the strong supportive relationships that help us successfully navigate our lives with our integrity intact. I think it’s cleverly demonstrated strategic moves we can make in the chess game we are forced to play when we are manipulated, exploited, and gaslit by toxic narcissists. It’s been a wonderful classroom. I look forward to confidently applying what I’ve learned going forward and I hope you do to. 


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