My heart is breaking for the children, families, community
members and professionals affected by the tragic shooting today at Sandy Hook
Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut.
Why horrific events like this occur is a complicated issue for another
day. Right now, many parents, teachers
and loved ones are faced with explaining what happened today to the youngsters who
trust them. Here are some suggestions.
First of all, turn off the news when your kids are around. Young children are not equipped to make sense
of the ongoing news coverage of tragedies like this one. In fact, if YOU are having trouble coping
with something you see on the news, you can be sure your children will have
trouble with it too. Little kids often
can’t tell the difference between what is real and what isn’t on
television. Also, because a child’s
sense of time and reality is different from adults, a child watching ongoing
news coverage may fail to understand that the terrifying event has ended. The child may think the shootings are
continuing and may be confused and upset about why adults and police are doing
nothing to stop it.
Toddlers and preschoolers will rarely comprehend what has happened
so it’s usually best to only discuss traumatic events if your child spontaneously
brings them up. Very young children’s ability
to tell fact from fiction on television is very limited and even very tragic
events that don’t directly touch their lives are unlikely to effect them very
much. However, their emotional radar is
very sensitive so they may pick up on your sadness, grief and horror. If you are feeling emotional don’t just brush
it off. You might explain to your child
that something sad has happened and you are feeling sad about it but you will
be OK. Accept a comforting hug, the loan
of a favorite stuffed toy or cup of water offered by your child and let them
know they are helping you to feel better.
When discussing traumatic events with school aged children
it’s important to consider your child’s developmental level. Your child will usually give you clues about
how much they can handle. Children do
need to understand that there are bad people in the world and sometimes those
bad people do bad things that hurt people.
If your child doesn’t bring the topic up on his own, you might start out
with a general statement, such as, “A bad thing happened at a school in
Connecticut today. Have you heard about it?” It’s important to listen carefully
to your child’s answer. Don’t hurry the
conversation. Maintain good eye contact
and use hugs and other kinds of touch for comfort. Answer any questions they have as gently as
you can. Don’t lecture or provide excessive detail but strive to be as honest
and direct as you can.
Allow your child to talk out their worries and concerns and
provide responses that will help your child feel safe, secure and taken care
of. Avoid making promises that you can’t keep but be as reassuring as you
can. The conversation might go something
like this: Child: “Why would someone go into a school and shoot up a bunch of
little kids? Schools are supposed to be safe!
Why didn’t the police and teachers keep him from hurting those kids?” Your
responses might be “Most people are good and most people would never harm a
child or shoot anybody. There are bad
people who sometimes do bad things.
Often there is something wrong with these bad people but sometimes
nobody knows what’s wrong with them until it’s too late. Most of the time,
adults keep children safe and nothing bad happens to them. Schools are usually very safe and it’s very
rare for any child to be harmed in a school.
Teachers and principals do everything they can to take care of school
children and keep them safe. Policemen
usually keep bad people from hurting other people. The bad things that happened
today are very unlikely to happen here.
I will do everything I can to keep you safe and prevent bad things from
happening to you. It’s also important to think about all the good people today
who did great things to help. Most of
the children and teachers were not hurt.
The police came and did a good job today. Do you have any worries about
your own school or your teachers or friends?” Listen to the child’s answer. Then ask if there is anything they would like
to do to help the children families and people in the community where the
shootings occurred. You and your child
can draw and mail condolence cards, send money or toys, or light a candle and
say a prayer. With the holidays upon us, you also might discuss if there is
anything you and your child want to do to contribute to the victim’s families
for the holidays. Children have very generous hearts and helping them help
others can be a particularly beautiful way for them to cope with tragedy and
help themselves as well.
Your child may regress. Children may start wetting the bed
or having nightmares. Handle these
occurrences calmly and provide support and comfort. Encourage the use of “transitional” objects
such as blankets or stuffed toys if they help the child feel safe and
secure. If your child starts having
angry outbursts or tantrums, be as patient as you can and help the child
understand their feelings and talk them out. Violence or aggression is not
acceptable and should be discouraged and appropriately consequenced in a way
that is consistent with your values and family rules.
Older kids and teens may raise some very difficult
questions. If you don’t know how to
answer a question it’s OK to admit it.
Moral, spiritual and faith-based discussions and prayers can be very helpful
and comforting. If you are unsure how to handle a situation have the child talk
to a counselor or religious leader about their concerns. You can still be a
loving caring parent without having all the answers! You aren’t required to
know how to handle all situations but you are responsible for finding the
resources your child needs when you aren’t sure what to do.
It’s always a good idea to discuss safety issues with your
children. To effectively address your
child’s fears and worries, have a discussion about how they can respond if
something bad happens or if they find themselves in a dangerous situation. Be practical and realistic. While you don’t
want your child’s response to trauma to be a life ruled by fear and worry, you
do want a child who knows how to keep him or herself as safe as possible in a
world where bad things sometimes do happen. We all want to raise children who
make good decisions and know how to stay calm and handle adversity well.
Be sure to bring the focus back to the positive aspects of family,
community, comfort, caring and faith. Draw the child’s attention to all the
heroes of the day. Help your child do something positive and constructive to
help the victims. Teens in particular
may also be interested in participating in political or community action to
help prevent future re-occurrences of similar events. Artistic or written self-expression
and music can help your child process the experience and the deep feelings it may
have evoked. Religious services, vigils, memorials and community ceremonies can
be very comforting so participation should be encouraged if the child
wishes.
Sadly, coping with your child’s reaction to traumatic events
can be a long-term process. If your
child has been directly affected by tragedy, expect ongoing conversations. Your child will be unable to process
everything you tell them the first time they hear it. Be open to your child’s feelings and
reactions. Validate their feelings. Listen,
give lots of hugs, provide comfort and have confidence that things will get
better. Most children are resilient so
with love and the right kind of support, they will be fine.
