I'm Blogging For Mental Health 2015: Want To Know Who Your Friends Really Are? Design Your Dream "Friendship House"

How do you know if someone is your friend? For that matter, how do you know when someone who you think is your friend really isn’t? How do you decide when an acquaintance has become a friend? When is someone who was once your friend officially a friend no longer? How can you keep frenemies out of your life? As a psychotherapist, I’ve explored these questions with many clients. I’ve considered them from a personal perspective as well. In January, I gave a talk called "Why Can't We Be Friends" at TEDxVail discussing some of my thoughts on friendship: 

In my talk, I explain how I developed the idea that each of us needs to design a “Friendship House” to help us answer important questions about friendship.  The friendship house is a practical metaphor for defining and understanding what you want and need from your friends.

Whenever you build a house you have to start off with a solid foundation or the structure will not stand. The foundation of your friendship house will be constructed of those qualities that you decide MUST be present for someone to be your friend. For example, the building blocks that make up the foundation of my personal friendship house include common interests, integrity, respect, kindness, trust, being there when I need them, reciprocity, and emotional stability.

Once the foundation is set, it’s time to think about what you want from your friends, but don’t necessarily need from every friend. Do you want a good listener? A cheerleader? Emotional support? Soup when you’re sick? Someone to share a meal or go to the movies with? People to chat with in the evening or provide practical advice when you need it? Someone to help you move your furniture? Someone to discuss books with? Someone who knows your history? Someone who encourages you? A pragmatist who can get your head out of the clouds when you need it? A travel buddy? A nightly gaming companion?

Your friendship house should be designed with multiple rooms because different friends who meet different needs will find their place in different rooms. When you meet new people and get to know them well enough to grow from acquaintances to friends, you can welcome them in to your house because you can be confident the foundation will support them. New friends may stay in the entry hall while you get to know them better and figure out which room they belong in or even if they will be allowed further into the house. 

My personal friendship house currently has a kitchen, hall, living room, family room, office, library, computer room and game room. Friends who are also members of my family find their place in the family room. Those I like to hang out and watch movies with belong in the living room. Since I’m a compulsive reader, the library is a particularly special place in my friendship house. It’s not where I keep my books, it’s where I keep my literary friends who support me in my writing and love to read and discuss books with me. My online friends, who I deeply cherish, find their home in my computer room. My game room is filled with the people I like to play and have fun with. From childhood, my kitchen has always been the heart of my home and my kitchen table has always been my favorite place to settle in for great conversation. So, the friends I feel closest to gather around the table in my kitchen. My friendship house has a home office. The professional contacts I consider to be friends may not belong around my kitchen table, but they do have a place in my friendship house, in the office.

There is a gate to enter the yard and a porch. Acquaintances start out in the yard. If they seem nice enough, they progress to the porch. When I get to know them better, they may be invited in through the front door. Or I am likely to learn that some of these people are not right for me because they don’t value the things that are important to me, in which case they will be escorted back out the gate. My roof is strong and sturdy to keep acid words or bombshells from finding their way in to my house. I’ve built stout walls with big windows, that allow me to see what’s going on outside but don’t allow just anyone to mosey on in. The roof, walls, doors and windows represent the healthy boundaries that are fundamental to all good relationships.

What is not in my friendship house is as important as what is in it. There is no toxic waste. There are no black holes. There are no snakes, back-stabbers, vampires, psychopaths or queen bees allowed in my house.  Someone new may get as far as the porch and show me they don’t value honesty, trust and reciprocity; in which case, they will be escorted out.

I know someone who’s already ensconced in my house needs to leave when they no longer fulfill the minimum expectations that serve as my house’s foundation. I may also come to realize that we’ve changed so much there are no longer any rooms they fit into. It’s definitely time to clean house when the only place it feels like someone belongs is in the toxic waste dump or one of the black holes that are outside my protective walls and fence.

Like my physical house, my friendship house has grown over time to reflect my ever-changing needs, values and tastes. The design was much simpler when I was younger. The foundation was not yet strong because I didn’t yet know how to build it properly. There weren’t many rooms because my life was less complicated and my needs weren’t as clear. The front door was too flimsy which made me vulnerable to letting the wrong people in. There was no garden gate and no porch. There were some rooms in my friendship house that may not have belonged there. My friendship house remains a work in progress. So long as I am alive, I will be remodeling, changing, adding more of what I cherish and clearing out the clutter that drags me down and doesn’t belong in my life.

If I feel lonely I can take a look at my friendship house and see all the ways I can feel connected again. I can also think about which rooms need more people in them or whether I might need to do a little renovation or even build an addition. Or maybe it’s time for spring-cleaning because I’m not happy with some of the people in my friendship house and I realize that my needs are no longer being met in these relationships.

So what about your friendship house? What do you need to build a strong foundation? What rooms belong in your floor plan? Be sure to construct good boundaries in the form of solid doors, stout walls and a sturdy roof. Remember to keep your house clear of clutter and to regularly take out the trash. Make sure there are no toxic people in your house poisoning the air you breath and draining your life away. Fill all of your rooms with people who make your heart sing and make your life better because they are a part of it. Building and maintaining your dream “friendship” house brings you one giant step closer to enjoying a happy life rich with healthy, fulfilling and supportive relationships.

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I'm Blogging for Mental Health 2014: Disney’s Movie "Frozen": Elsa as a case study in Borderline Personality Disorder

“Don’t let them in. Conceal don’t feel. Don’t let them know. Let it go. Turn away and slam the door. Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway.”  ~ Let It Go, from the movie Frozen

I’ve always enjoyed Disney movies. I can’t even count the number of times I sat with my children watching endless replays of The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King. So, when Frozen came out I was eager to see it. However, Frozen has touched me in a way other Disney movies never have. The movie explores many deep psychological issues relating to sense of identity, social roles, rebellion, invalidation, feeling different, trying to be normal, self acceptance, emotional regulation, vulnerability, and relationships. This could explain why it seems to strongly resonate with many teens and young adults in a way that most Disney movies fail to do. My 22-year old son loves the movie and there is even a youtube video showing a group of hearty young marines gathered together singing its theme song.

Marines sing "Let It Go" on Youtube

In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve helped many clients whose lives have been touched by borderine personality disorder. As I watched Frozen, it occurred to me that Elsa, the main character, showed many of the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is a psychological condition characterized by poor impulse control and serious instability in mood, interpersonal relationships and self-image. People with BPD have a pattern of intense rages, bitterness, vindictiveness and punitiveness, which is usually significantly out of proportion to external realities. As a result, they frequently unwittingly sabotage and undermine themselves. People with BPD tend to have stormy relationships that swing from idealization and adoration to extreme rage, disappointment and devaluation, often without any apparent rhyme or reason. Because of their strong emotions and impulsive destructive anger they often feel like they are bad or evil and that they are doomed to harm anyone who loves them or gets close to them. They are highly sensitive to rejection and will often develop cold aloof exteriors as a way to manage their intense vulnerability. Retreating from relationships and withdrawing from the ordinary course of society as a way to handle their emotional dysregulation and impulsive behavior are classic BPD coping strategies.

Hopelessness, depression, social anxiety and feelings of being out of control are common features of BPD.  Chronic feelings of emptiness and identity confusion are typical as well. Unfortunately, those with BPD frequently engage in a dysfunctional type of thinking called emotional reasoning, such that if they feel it to be true, they believe it to be true, no critical thinking is engaged. People with BPD often see the world in terms of extremes, good vs evil, all vs none. They describe an internal tug of war within their own minds, a terrible struggle between their “emotional” mind and their “rational” mind. One way they handle this tug of war and their all or none thinking is through a dysfunctional regulatory coping strategy called splitting. In splitting, people with BPD “disown” or deny entire parts of themselves, frequently projecting them onto others. Splitting is especially common as a reaction to experiences of trauma or profound loss. Sometimes they even engage in self-harm as a way to punish the bad parts of themselves or they lash out as a way to inflict harm on those on whom they have projected the bad parts they have chosen to deny within themselves. Delusional thinking, paranoia, and dissociative reactions during times of severe stress are also common features of BPD.

People with BPD often grow up in emotionally invalidating environments. They typically describe feeling criticized or judged by those who were supposed to provide love and nurturance. In such families, legitimate concerns are rarely addressed directly, leaving children uncertain and confused. It’s hard to develop good judgment and adaptive coping skills when you aren’t getting healthy guidance, constructive feedback and positive encouragement from your parents. There are actually multiple paths to Borderline Personality Disorder and family dysfunction is only one of many risk factors. However, families of people who develop BPD are often characterized by poor communication, chronically mixed messages, absent contingencies, secrets, and shame.

Historically, Borderline Personality Disorder has been poorly understood by most medical professionals. Therefore, many doctors have misdiagnosed the disorder and advised patients and their parents to ignore the problems and hope that the condition will improve on its own with time. Symptoms of BPD can be significantly improved with psychotherapy. Treatment generally addresses the cognitive distortions, emotional dysregulation, relationship dysfunction and acting out that cause people with BPD and those who care about them so much misery. Since most people with BPD are very sensitive to rejection and abandonment, positive experiences of consistency, nurturance, emotional support and acceptance can be very healing.

Elsa demonstrates many classic borderline characteristics and life experiences. From early on, she sees herself as different (which she is). Many people with BPD don’t experience life and events in quite the same way as others. They are often different and highly sensitive relative to the norm. Elsa’s family is invalidating. They don’t help her manage or celebrate her uniqueness. Instead they pressure her to ignore it, control it, and keep it a secret. She pretends to be “good” and normal, instead of learning to be herself. She is never taught an adaptive way to regulate her emotions and impulses, so when she is playing with her little sister, she loses control. This loss of control harms her sister and is highly traumatic for her whole family. The “professional” they go to for help, doesn’t understand how to help Elsa handle herself adaptively either. Instead the family is told to act like nothing happened and to keep the traumatic event a secret. In her shame, guilt and confusion, Elsa isolates herself and her feelings of being dangerous to those she loves, different, bad and out of control continue to grow. Many individuals with BPD have an almost delusional sense of their own power and harbor serious fears that they will harm others with this power through their intense emotions and outbursts. We see this in Elsa’s fear that her inability to control her power will destroy those she loves.

As with many people with BPD, Elsa’s emotional problems escalate with adolescence. Elsa worries that the people and events of her coronation will trigger another episode like the one where she harmed her sister when they were young. She tries to be “perfect” and pretend everything is normal but she is unable to do it. It’s too much for her. She almost succeeds but ultimately, she loses control, unleashes the storm within and acts out without regard for how her actions will affect others or the kingdom for which she is assuming responsibility. In doing so, she undermines her coronation and sabotages her role as queen. As it turns out, she is completely unaware of the severe harm she has wrought. Instead of calming herself and dealing constructively with the aftermath of her actions she flees. She decides the most parsimonious way to handle her dangerousness is to isolate herself and keep others away. By choosing to be alone, she can stop pretending to be normal. She can avoid stress and vulnerability. She can insure she will never use her power to hurt anyone else.

Her emotions have been a roller coaster that she can’t get off. By isolating herself and building an ice castle to protect herself, she can stop pretending. She finally gets a break. In the song, Let It Go, she comes to some important realizations such as “it’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.”  She comes to a degree of self-acceptance “The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I’ve tried.”, “Up here in the thin air, I can finally breathe. I know I’ve left a life behind but I’m too relieved to grieve.”, and of course, “Can’t hold it back no more, Let it go, let it go.”

When her sister attempts to rescue her from her self-imposed exile, Elsa’s reaction is once again out of proportion to the external reality. She vilifies those who want to help her and lashes out once again to push them away. And thus, once again, she grievously hurts the one person in the world who loves her, accepts her and wants to help her the most. Elsa’s mood swings and quixotic emotional changes are typical of people with BPD. She gets angry, the blizzard starts and just as suddenly it stops. She doesn’t know how to undo the damage her temper tantrums have unleashed and she feels helpless and hopeless.

Olaf is a particularly interesting character. He says Elsa made him so he knows how to find her. It appears that Olaf is the part of Elsa that she split off in her rage, shame and despair. He is the part of her that was innocent, loving, playful, joyful, funny and could handle stress with grace and equanimity. So long as the world is frozen, Olaf can exist on his own. When the world starts to thaw, Olaf begins to melt. Instead of letting him melt away she creates his own personal flurry to keep him alive and part of her life. He says, “Some people are worth melting for”. But she doesn’t allow Olaf to melt so she can keep the part of her that can experience love and joy alive, always.

Elsa’s healing comes about when she learns she is loved and will not be abandoned. Most importantly, she also learns to accept herself as she is, all the good and the bad. When she learns that she is loved and won’t be abandoned she becomes unfrozen and allows her healing to warm the world up and reverse the harm she has wrought. She allows love and joy back in to her life. She learns to manage her destructive impulses so she can handle them adaptively rather than lashing out when triggered by strong emotions. Elsa learns there is a place in the world for her. She is not so damaged, different or evil that the world is better off without her.

With love and support from those who care about her, Elsa saves herself and her kingdom. While her sister can enjoy romantic love and unfettered happiness, Elsa is still reserved. Romantic love is not yet in the cards for her. She still has to reconnect and rebuild herself. She must learn to manage her self and perhaps even learn that what she sees as a curse can also be a strength. She still has work to do. But her healing has begun. There is hope.

Take a look at the talk I gave at TEDxVail called "Why Can't We Be Friends"

Want to take my Friendship Survey to help me understand the changing face of friendship?

Friendship Survey

Check back for future blogs where I will be exploring the topic of friendship further and sharing the results of my survey.

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

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