I BELIEVE in Ted Lasso

Like many people, I had a hard time believing how mean-spirited and destructive toxic narcissism could be until I was proverbially smacked upside the head by it in ways I couldn’t ignore or benignly explain away. I look at the world a little differently now. Whenever possible, I like to share my hard-won insights to help others navigate the world with a little less pain and a lot more joy.

 

We recently started watching the Apple TV show Ted Lasso. As a clinical psychologist, considering the emotional intelligence of characters in the TV series and movies I watch adds a lot to my viewing pleasure and Ted Lasso has a lot to recommend it. I also happen to be reading Dr. Ramini Durvasula’s book Don’t You Know Who I Am?, so I have been thinking a lot more than usual about narcissism and how it manifests in daily life. If you haven’t read anything by Dr. Ramini or checked out her YouTube channel, you should. She’s a very wise and rare gem and a breath of fresh air in a difficult world. 

 

I see Ted as an “anti-narcissist.” It’s fascinating to watch him interact with difficult people with a gentle non-judgmental cheerfulness that can be brittle at times but is always striving for connection and understanding. He has a lot of love in his heart, and it shows. Ted’s superpower is making people feel emotionally safe, which generally builds trust, respect, and affection. Over the course of the series, you see him bring out the best in others by simply being his authentic caring self, which isn’t actually so simple at all. 

 

We just watched episode 10 of season 3 called “International Break.” It really got me thinking about how skillfully the characters in Ted’s circle have learned to deal with the narcissistic people in their lives. They are learning to skillfully avoid getting sucked into the manipulation and boundary violations of the exploitative people they find themselves subjected to. In this episode, (SPOILER ALERT!) we see Rupert try to ruin Nathan’s budding romance with Jade by setting him up to spend what was supposed to be a “boy’s night” in the company of two exceptionally lovely and seductive young women at a private club. We see Jack ghost Keeley and then pull the funding from her company. We see Akufo host an exclusive meeting with club owners to convince them to further commercialize football to increase their profits, ignoring the love of the game and the devotion of its fans. We also saw Akufo go to great lengths to undermine Sam’s restaurant. Last of all, we see a warm moment between Rebecca and Rupert, which leads to Rupert (as usual) attempting to violate Rebecca’s boundaries and assert his dominance.

 

All of this would be very disturbing, except Rebecca, Nathan, Sam, and Keeley have benefited from Ted and Dr. Sharon’s gentle wisdom and guidance. Ultimately, they handle these challenges masterfully and it’s such a pleasure to watch. Nathan finally see’s Rupert for who he really is, and decides he has to quit as his house of cards comes crashing down around him. Keeley realizes she ignored all the red flags around Jack. During a bout of serious misery and soul-searching, she builds an actual house of cards on the bar at Mae’s pub. As she watches it fall, she sees who she can turn to and what really matters in her life. She gets a little closer to understanding what real love is as we cheer her on. Sam doesn’t bend to Akufo’s pressure. He’s sucked into playing the “hand-shake game” with Akufo’s lackey, who once again “pulls the football” on him as Peanuts’ Lucy perpetually did with Charley Brown. But Sam remains impassive, unperturbed by Akufo’s puerile machinations. 

 

The piece-de-resistance is when Rebecca calls out Akufo during their meeting. She gives what I call the “how-dare-you response” in the form of an eloquent soliloquy about the worthlessness of making money simply to accumulate wealth you don’t need and the true meaning of the game of football for the team owners and the devoted fans. It’s a beautiful moment. We should all cultivate our ability to formulate adroit “how-dare-you responses” when we’re being gaslit by toxic narcissists. The world will be a much better place for it. The brilliance of this move is that it shrewdly rips the mask of civility off Akufo, showing all present that he is not someone they would ever want to associate with. The ensuing food fight must have been hilarious to film, but we only see the aftermath as a bunch of stodgy old men remember how to laugh at themselves.

 

The scene concludes with a moment of connection between Rebecca and Rupert, which gives you a rare glimpse into the man she thought he was when she fell in love with him. As is his wont, he misinterprets the situation as sexual instead of sweet, which is his singular response to any woman who shows him any warmth or interest. Rebecca skillfully asserts her boundaries and realizes she no longer feels the need to allow him to influence her life and her decisions. She has come a long way from the first episode. She is finally free.  

 

I think Ted Lasso’s wild popularity stems from moments like these. The series is almost over, and I will miss these characters a lot. Watching them grow, connect, and learn to trust one another has been pure pleasure. The show has given those of us who’ve been paying attention a playbook for adeptly facing challenges and building the strong supportive relationships that help us successfully navigate our lives with our integrity intact. I think it’s cleverly demonstrated strategic moves we can make in the chess game we are forced to play when we are manipulated, exploited, and gaslit by toxic narcissists. It’s been a wonderful classroom. I look forward to confidently applying what I’ve learned going forward and I hope you do to. 

JILL SQUYRES GROUBERT, PhD
Licensed Psychologist, CO
A certified PSYPACT provider

drjillpsychologist.com

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How to talk to your kids about school shootings

"How can I talk to my kids about something this frightening and horrible?"

My heart is breaking for the children, families, community members and professionals affected by the tragic shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, TX.  Why horrific events like this occur is a complicated issue for another day.  Right now, many parents, teachers and loved ones are faced with explaining what happened today to the youngsters who trust them.  Here are some suggestions.

First of all, turn off the news when your kids are around.  Young children are not equipped to make sense of the ongoing news coverage of tragedies like this one.  In fact, if YOU are having trouble coping with something you see on the news, you can be sure your children will have trouble with it too.  Little kids often can’t tell the difference between what is real and what isn’t on television.  Also, because a child’s sense of time and reality is different from adults, a child watching ongoing news coverage may fail to understand that the terrifying event has ended.  The child may think the shootings are continuing and may be confused and upset about why adults and police are doing nothing to stop it. 

Toddlers and preschoolers will rarely comprehend what has happened so it’s usually best to only discuss traumatic events if your child spontaneously brings them up.  Very young children’s ability to tell fact from fiction on television is very limited and even very tragic events that don’t directly touch their lives are unlikely to effect them very much.  However, their emotional radar is very sensitive so they may pick up on your sadness, grief and horror.  If you are feeling emotional don’t just brush it off.  You might explain to your child that something sad has happened and you are feeling sad about it but you will be OK.  Accept a comforting hug, the loan of a favorite stuffed toy or cup of water offered by your child and let them know they are helping you to feel better. 

When discussing traumatic events with school aged children it’s important to consider your child’s developmental level.  Your child will usually give you clues about how much they can handle.  Children do need to understand that there are bad people in the world and sometimes those bad people do bad things that hurt people.  If your child doesn’t bring the topic up on his own, you might start out with a general statement, such as, “A bad thing happened at a school in Texas today. Have you heard about it?” It’s important to listen carefully to your child’s answer.  Don’t hurry the conversation.  Maintain good eye contact and use hugs and other kinds of touch for comfort.  Answer any questions they have as gently as you can. Don’t lecture or provide excessive detail but strive to be as honest and direct as you can. 

Allow your child to talk out their worries and concerns and provide responses that will help your child feel safe, secure and taken care of. Avoid making promises that you can’t keep but be as reassuring as you can.  The conversation might go something like this: Child: “Why would someone go into a school and shoot up a bunch of little kids? Schools are supposed to be safe!  Why didn’t the police and teachers keep him from hurting those kids?” Your responses might be “Most people are good and most people would never harm a child or shoot anybody.  There are bad people who sometimes do bad things.  Often there is something wrong with these bad people but sometimes nobody knows what’s wrong with them until it’s too late. Most of the time, adults keep children safe and nothing bad happens to them.  Schools are usually very safe and it’s very rare for any child to be harmed in a school.  Teachers and principals do everything they can to take care of school children and keep them safe.  Policemen usually keep bad people from hurting other people. The bad things that happened today are very unlikely to happen here.  I will do everything I can to keep you safe and prevent bad things from happening to you. It’s also important to think about all the good people today who did great things to help.  Most of the children and teachers were not hurt.  The police came and did a good job today. Do you have any worries about your own school or your teachers or friends?” Listen to the child’s answer.  Then ask if there is anything they would like to do to help the children families and people in the community where the shootings occurred.  You and your child can draw and mail condolence cards, send money or toys, or light a candle and say a prayer. Children have very generous hearts and helping them help others can be a particularly beautiful way for them to cope with tragedy and help themselves as well.

Your child may regress. Children may start wetting the bed or having nightmares.  Handle these occurrences calmly and provide support and comfort.  Encourage the use of “transitional” objects such as blankets or stuffed toys if they help the child feel safe and secure.  If your child starts having angry outbursts or tantrums, be as patient as you can and help the child understand their feelings and talk them out. Violence or aggression is not acceptable and should be discouraged and appropriately consequenced in a way that is consistent with your values and family rules. 

Older kids and teens may raise some very difficult questions.  If you don’t know how to answer a question it’s OK to admit it.  Moral, spiritual and faith-based discussions and prayers can be very helpful and comforting. If you are unsure how to handle a situation have the child talk to a counselor or religious leader about their concerns. You can still be a loving caring parent without having all the answers! You aren’t required to know how to handle all situations but you are responsible for finding the resources your child needs when you aren’t sure what to do.

It’s always a good idea to discuss safety issues with your children.  To effectively address your child’s fears and worries, have a discussion about how they can respond if something bad happens or if they find themselves in a dangerous situation.  Be practical and realistic. While you don’t want your child’s response to trauma to be a life ruled by fear and worry, you do want a child who knows how to keep him or herself as safe as possible in a world where bad things sometimes do happen. We all want to raise children who make good decisions and know how to stay calm and handle adversity well.    

Be sure to bring the focus back to the positive aspects of family, community, comfort, caring and faith. Draw the child’s attention to all the heroes of the day. Help your child do something positive and constructive to help the victims.  Teens in particular may also be interested in participating in political or community action to help prevent future re-occurrences of similar events. Artistic or written self-expression and music can help your child process the experience and the deep feelings it may have evoked. Religious services, vigils, memorials and community ceremonies can be very comforting so participation should be encouraged if the child wishes.        

Sadly, coping with your child’s reaction to traumatic events can be a long-term process.  If your child has been directly affected by tragedy, expect ongoing conversations.  Your child will be unable to process everything you tell them the first time they hear it.  Be open to your child’s feelings and reactions.  Validate their feelings. Listen, give lots of hugs, provide comfort and have confidence that things will get better.  Most children are resilient so with love and the right kind of support, they will be ok.

Check out my new Couples Counseling workbook on Amazon: 

https://www.amazon.com/8-Week-Couples-Therapy-Workbook-Communication/dp/163807948X/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_pdt_img_top?ie=UTF8

My website: wwwdrjillpsychologist.com

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