Showing posts with label family therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family therapy. Show all posts

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Dear Dr. Jill on Summer Vacation

Originally published in Oak Meadow Elementary School Hoofprints Newsletter April 2004

Dear Mommy (even if everyone else calls you Dr. Jill),

How can we have the best summer ever?

Love Greg, Bradley & Nikki
My dearest children,

First I will tell you why we have such a long summer vacation.  In the olden days, back when your great-great grandparents were children, most people lived on farms.  Farm families had LOTS of children because more children meant more help on the farm.  Everybody knew school was important, but taking care of and harvesting the crops was even more important.  They couldn’t just go down to the grocery store for their food, so if they didn’t take care of the farm, they would be hungry.  For this reason, children didn’t go to school during the summer because this was the time they were needed to work on the farm.  Not much of a vacation, was it?

Children today have lots of time off during the summer and usually there are no crops to care for.    I want to get together one night, make some popcorn, and find out what everybody in our family likes doing best.  To have the best summer ever, we need to spend lots of time doing the things we like best.  I know we will want to do lots of swimming and bike riding.  Lets plan on some lazy breakfasts where we all help make the pancakes or eggs. I think this might be a good summer for you kids to learn some cooking.  Lets take the time to learn to bake a cake and make grilled cheese sandwiches.  Yum yum!  Spending time with friends sounds great too.  Sometimes your friends can come to our house.  Remember they must follow our rules about inside voices, walking instead of running, listening, sharing and keeping hands to selves.  Other times you can go to their houses to play.  Behave well and win the good guest medal by being invited back!  I think the best times are when you go outside and you run, feel the wind, giggle, roll in the grass, get sweaty and hot, and then drink something cold or have a popsicle.  Playing with the hose or in the pool are special summer treats too.

We are planning two very special vacations this summer.  We will go to Disneyworld and to the beach at South Padre Island.  We will spend lots of good times together.  At Disneyworld  we get to go on rides, eat interesting food, ride trams and see things we’ve never seen before.  We will take an airplane and stay in a hotel so we must remember to be respectful, polite and kind.  I will pack bags with treats and activities to keep you busy.  Traveling is a great time for gameboys, coloring or reading books.  When we go to the beach, we will drive.  Lets have a nice time in the car.  We can sing and talk and listen to music or books on tape. Looking at the scenery, animals, clouds, plants, houses and train tracks can pass the time quickly.  At the beach, you have to remember to always wear sun screen and stay where an adult can see you.  Don’t go in the water without permission! We will eat in lots of restaurants on both trips.  Talk in a calm, inside voice.  Order only what you plan to eat.  Sometimes we will get dessert but not every day so please don’t complain.  Complaints are never welcome, although suggestions usually are. 

Summer vacation is a long time away from school.  It is easy to forget the things you worked so hard to learn this year.  A good way to stay smart is to read.  We will try to read at least 30 minutes every day.  You are all good readers so I bet there will be many days you will want to read even more than that.  We can go to the library or bookstore to pick out some interesting books. We can play math games in the car or at dinner.  You can go to the store with me and help me pick out what we need and figure out what we are spending.  Computer math games are a good way to stay smart too.

Remember when I told you about the farm children earlier?  Summer vacation can be a good time to learn new skills and chores.  We all enjoy living in the house together so we all must pitch in and do our part.  Lets talk about chores AND allowances.  Its nice to have pocket money to buy what you want and to learn about responsible spending.  

The most important way to have the best summer ever is to enjoy time as a family and time by your self.  We have the most fun when we are kind and considerate and generous with each other.  We are happiest when we take turns and practice patience.  At night, we can sit outside and watch the stars and moon.  Maybe we will see constellations or planets.  Sometimes we can catch fireflies but we must always let them free before we go inside.  I also like to watch our pets playing.  It is so relaxing!  Our dog does funny things that make us laugh.  Our cats are so cute together and love to be petted gently.  We should spend time outside watching the clouds, blowing bubbles, playing games and walking in the woods.  Maybe we can go through some old photos together and talk about your grandparents and what life was like when Mommy and Daddy were your age. Quiet time spent thinking about our love for each other, what we are grateful for and how to be the best we can be is a good way to spend hot afternoons.  Its so easy to forget how nice it can be to do nothing.

Sounds like a good plan for the best summer ever doesn’t it?  I can’t wait!  


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Dear Dr. Jill on Homework


Dear Dr. Jill:

My eight-year-old son is now in third grade.  He is getting a lot more homework this year than ever before.  Getting his homework done is a real problem.  He makes up all kinds of excuses, “forgets” that he has homework or waits until it is bedtime to even start his assignments.  We never had this problem with his older brother and we are at our wit’s end.  Please help!

Thanks,
Harried Homework Mom

Dear Harried Homework Mom:

As I am sure you already know, all children are different.  Therefore something that comes easily to your first child will not necessarily come easily to your second one.  First of all I have some great news.  Your child’s homework is his assignment, not yours!  This is good news because it frees you from homework-related anxiety and guilt.  Unless you plan to go to college with your son, he MUST learn to do his own homework.  Of course, this doesn’t mean you ignore his needs, it simply means that clarifying what is YOUR job and what is HIS job, can bring your homework-related stress level way down.  HIS job is to actually get the homework done.  HIS job is to learn the material the homework was assigned to teach or reinforce.  It is not YOUR job to do the homework for him (I once thought I was working on a diorama WITH one of my sons.  After it was done, I realized that I had somehow done all of the work while my son looked on admiringly.  What a clever boy!  His teacher sent home a note to let me know that the project was very well done and that “I” had received an “A”.  I never did another one of his assignments all by myself again.) 

It is not YOUR job to make sure his homework is the best in the class.  It is not YOUR job to show everyone how smart you are through his homework.  It is not YOUR job to demonstrate how cutting edge your computer equipment is or how amazing your artistic abilities are.  It is definitely not YOUR job to allow getting homework done to be a battleground that ruins your evenings and interferes with the quality of your relationship with your son.

So then, what is YOUR job?  Your job is to create an appropriate opportunity for homework to be done and to offer your son the guidance necessary to understand and complete the work.  The goal is for your child to learn how to bring home his assignment, figure out what must be done and do it according to his own skill level before bedtime.  An important puzzle piece we often forget is that it is also HIS job to develop good study habits as early in his academic career as possible. 

Your first step can be having a heart-to-heart talk with your son.  When you are both in a reasonably good mood, find someplace quiet where the two of you can talk.  Perhaps, you can take him out for ice cream, just the two of you. Tell him you don’t like the way the homework problem is affecting your relationship with him.  Ask him to share how he sees the problem.  You will likely be surprised how your perceptions and his differ.  Explain what YOUR job is and what HIS job is as described above.  Ask him for ideas about how you can get your job done and he can get his job done.  It is thrilling to discover how often children know exactly what they need when you ask them.  Gently offer your concerns, feedback and suggestions. The next day, put the plan into action.  Let him know that this is a work in progress and that you will revisit the issue in the next week or two.  From that point on, only assume responsibility for the part of the job that is YOURS.  If his plan doesn’t work, ALLOW natural consequences to take their toll.  If he “forgets” his homework, let him get a zero (a few zeros on third grade will not reduce his chances of getting into Harvard in ten years).  If he asks to stay up late because he didn’t start his homework at the agreed upon time, don’t let him stay up.  Be flexible if your own time constraints or family activities interfere with getting the homework done according to plan.  Inform the teacher, but don’t write notes explaining why his homework is incomplete or undone.  Do not nag or hassle him. If the homework is still not getting done properly in a week or two, THEN feel free to offer some new ideas. 

The good thing about being the parent is that you can set rules and expect them to be followed.  However, bear in mind what you can and can’t control before setting any rules.  You cannot MAKE him do his homework.  You can offer a quiet place to do so and you can insure that the TV is off (I know one Mom who had to physically remove the TV to keep her son from turning it back on).  You can tell him he must sit at his desk quietly for 30 minutes so he has the opportunity to do his homework but you cannot actually make him apply himself to the homework.  Tell him you are happy to help him understand the assignment or the concept but you will not do the whole assignment for him.  It is OK, however, to talk him through a problem or two if he needs some help him figuring out what needs to be done. 

If you are still having difficulty, you can try a star chart or reward system to encourage completion of homework.  Only use small rewards, such as more desert or an extra 15 minutes before lights out. Do not offer money.  If you offer big rewards for completing 30 minutes of homework in third grade, what will you need to offer when he is in 10th?  Limiting video games or TV until after homework is done usually works very well too.  Remember, your goal is to encourage intrinsic motivation to do his homework and develop good study skills.

When he is doing his homework regularly and independently, make sure to congratulate him.  You might consider taking him out for ice cream again, but this time it will be just for fun.  

Jill Squyres, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice.