Why can’t we be friends? | Dr. Jill Squyres | TEDxVail

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How Do You Define Friendship? Results From My Friendship Survey

Friendship is kind of like love. You know it when you see it but trying to come up with a clear and universal definition can make your head ache. As a psychotherapist, I hear people talk about relationships all the time, but I found myself wanting a broader understanding of people’s views on friendship. So, I put together an online survey about it. It’s clearly a topic near and dear to our hearts because over 600 people responded. I asked a lot of different questions about friendship and got hundreds of detailed responses. People shared their most interesting and poignant perspectives when I asked them to write about how they defined friendship.

photo courtesy of Robin Smirnov

Some noteworthy comments about how hard it is to pin down a good definition include:

'Friendship' is a weird, nebulous concept. I wish I had some good theory of friendship, but I mostly just know it when I see it.

I don't have a great definition, but I know it's critical to my life.

Friendship comes in so many forms today it is difficult to define.

Trust and authenticity came up over and over:

Friendship is having someone you like, respect, and trust who likes, respects, and trusts you.

Friends are the people you trust enough to be yourself with

Friends should be trustworthy, honest and supportive.

A friend should be authentic, available, committed to my spiritual, mental and emotional growth.

A friend is someone who trusts me, and is trustworthy.

The level of trust changes and the conversations become deeper, a great need to keep in contact. Levels of intimacy in sharing, confiding, being there.

Connection and acceptance were considered crucial for close friendships:

Friends accept and acknowledge each other's differences as a part of who they are, and only try to change them if they actually want to change.

Friendship is about accepting, I think. It's about sharing some value or interest or goal and seeing that shared piece and treasuring it.

I define friendship as enduring and non-judgmental but I'll tell you the truth, it’s about connection.

Friendship is a bond between two people that fosters intimacy and connectedness.

I know I have a friend when I can be myself 100%.

Those that accept and embrace weird personality quirks and don't shame each other for them.

I would hope that unconditional affection and love, caring and compassion are all part of it.

Comfort and joy in each other’s company, doing things together, and having shared interests were also highly endorsed:

Friendship is someone you do things with like going to dinner, lunch, or shopping in your free time. I find it easier to maintain a friendship with someone who lives close by, has the same relationship status, has children similar in ages to yours, and has similar interests.

You should be able to relax around a friend and they should make you feel positive about yourself.

My friends share my interests, values and goals. They are responsive, respectful, and keep their judgments to themselves.

Friendship is when two or more people mutually enjoy the presence of one another. It is something that happens naturally. You cannot force it. Traits that I prefer include being a good listener, great with advice, emotional support, as well as being able to open up to me in return. I know I have a friend when I can be myself 100%.

Loyalty, honesty, sense of humour, ability to listen as well as converse, warmth, ability to give feedback in a kind manner.

Feeling comfortable and enjoying another's company. Trust, honesty and integrity. When you feel truly comfortable spending time together.

A friend is someone who is non-judgmental towards me, shares some interests, is interested in me as a person and someone I enjoy spending time with.

Friendship is enjoying the other person's company, bonding with each other and being there emotionally.

Loving and having affection for one another was also a common component:

I would hope that unconditional affection and love, caring and compassion are all part of it.

What I look for in a friend is someone who likes me, of course. Someone that's easy to talk to and who I can get along with really well.

The comfort, enjoyment and ease of being in anothers' company. Joyful anticipation of meeting/talking, taking a genuine and heartfelt interest in the other person.

A friend cares.

A friend is someone that you go out of your way to make time for, do things for, and care for. It is born out of love and care, generally through time/experiences/circumstances. It is work to be a good friend, and the rewards are similar to completing any difficult project/goal.

Friendship is having someone you like, respect, and trust who likes, respects, and trusts you. Trust, love, kindness, patience, sharing, related interests, support.

Trust, love, kindness, patience, sharing, related interests, support.

In our friendship, we have each other's backs, trust each other and love each other.

We are friends if we love each other. We are best friends when I love them more than myself, and vice versa.

Knowing each other well, being able to count on one another and supporting each other during the hard times were frequently cited:.

Friends support each other in hard times and celebrate together in good times.

Friendship is the ability to count on someone for both practical and emotional needs.

Friends hold you up when you can't hold yourself up. They have your back at all times but also hold you accountable. They're loving, compassionate, firm, and constant

Remembering what/who is important for them.

Friendship is being available to someone when they need you no matter how long it has been since you have seen or spoken to them.

Once you feel like you can call someone if you need help without feeling as though you are a burden, that's when someone becomes a friend.

Friendship is helping each other out, just because you want to. It's taking an interest in another's life.

A friend is someone who can be counted on to be there when the chips are down.

Friends are close. They know me. They understand.

People also made some interesting points about those who seemed like friends but weren’t. The popular term for this type of person is a frenemy. It’s clear from some of the responses that frenemies have caused considerable pain to those who thought they were really their friends.

I've had friends where we constantly bump heads and it's almost as if the friendship was a competition and I don't think that's healthy.

Someone I thought was my very best friend told me after my divorce that my depression made her depressed and she didn't want to be around me.

People have become selfish and have misplaced values.

It is hard to see that long-term friendships can still end. I thought that after age 50, our friendships were cemented for life, but was recently dropped by two women I thought of as good friends.

Compassion, empathy, open-mindedness are important but often lacking in society.

By my own definition, trust is the key variable in friendship, so I'm not certain anyone I don't trust can possibly be a friend. I'm a bit sad to reach that conclusion, especially since my own struggles to trust those around me may prevent close relationships.

A friend is someone you can share secrets with and know you won't be judged by labels, but just by your character. A friend is someone who is there for you through successes and failures but doesn't use it as gossip material.

Because of social media, friends of friends are more able to cause trouble with other friends, causing an uprising in cynical activities.

Some of the characteristics of a true friend include trustworthy, kind, considerate, caring, not controlling, secure personality, available, patient, encouraging, rejoices in your success- not jealous.

I want to express my most sincere gratitude to those who shared their opinions and stories about friendship with me. Check back for future blogs where I will be exploring the topic of friendship further and sharing more results from my survey.

Here is the link if you would like to respond to my friendship survey:

Friendship Survey

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An introduction to my upcoming TED talk in a series of haikus

As mentioned in my earlier blogs, I am excited to be presenting at TEDxVail on the topic of friendship. The amazing group of  women who will be presenting that day have been meeting online each month to develop our talks and support each other in our efforts. One of the presenters is a poet, which got us on the topic of poetry. We all decided to write haikus about our upcoming talks. Here's what I wrote:

Why can't we be friends?
If it's only about you
There's nothing for me

Your drama tires me
Stress, anger and resentment?
That's not what I want

When I feel lonely
And It seems like no one cares
Facebook friends are there

Are you a new friend?
You seem nice, I'm not sure yet
An acquaintance still

You are a great friend
Your kind funny sincere joy
Fills my empty places

A strong Friendship House
With the right people inside
Will keep your heart full

I would appreciate your help with my TED talk by clicking on the link below and completing my short survey.:

Friendship Survey

Check back for future blogs where I will be exploring the topic of friendship further and sharing the results of my survey.

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

Follow me on twitter @drjsquyres

Follow me on Facebook

Loneliness Epidemic or Epic Connection? You Make the Call

Loneliness has recently been described as a silent epidemic. Surveys report that people now have fewer close friends then ever before. Experts assert that Facebook friends aren’t real friends and that the brave new world of social networking is making people more isolated and alienated than ever. A recent cover story in Oprah Magazine laments the demise of the simple phone call and warns that texting is an inadequate and potentially seditious substitute. Are people hiding from intimacy behind smart phones, social media, gaming and electronics? Or could our ability to interact via our devices in point of fact be an asset that is bringing us ever closer and creating genuine opportunities for socializing, emotional support and conversation? I find it interesting that many of these surveys, articles, and experts rarely provide a clear definition of the terms they study. What if we aren’t actually lonelier than before? What if what’s really called for is reconsideration of an outmoded conceptualization of friendship and loneliness?

Never before have we been so connected with such a diversity of choices and options for social interaction immediately at our fingertips. Does the data really justify experts’ warnings that these new alternatives are inferior to older established types of social interaction? Wasn’t the highly respectable telephone call once considered a new-fangled assault on conventional society? Don’t members of the old guard frequently voice dire predictions that fresh innovations are deficient and hazardous compared to their traditional time-honored counterparts? When you consider the rapid rate of change in our contemporary society, it’s reasonable to assume that how we look at friendship and loneliness needs to evolve at a comparable pace.  What we expect from marriage has undergone a radical transformation in the past 50 years.  Therefore, it seems plausible to presume that our conceptualization of friendship should be following a similar trajectory.

On a slightly different note, could it be possible that we might now have fewer closer friends because we are actually better off with fewer close friends? We are busier than ever before which means most of us have less time and energy to invest in our friendships than we did in the past. Many people in committed relationships consider their spouse or partner to be their best friend. Along with this partner, more friends at lower intensity may be the most parsimonious solution. In my opinion, an evolving mosaic of diverse friends accessible by telephone, online, and in-person seems the most elegant and practical antidote to “the loneliness epidemic”.

What about when a close friendship goes sour?  A chum who initially appears to be the answer to all your prayers can degenerate into a frenemy. Toxic and exploitative friendships are a dirty little secret no one usually admits to in polite company. Many people unquestioningly tolerate appallingly manipulative behavior in the name of close friendship. After all, who doesn’t aspire to having a BFF? But, what if you find your bestie requires too much time, effort, accommodation, frustration and discontent on your part with precious little in return? Should this one-sided level of compromise be required to keep a close friendship intact? Might it not be better to have several satisfying friendships of moderate emotional intensity with a lower overall risk of toxicity from any one person? Of course, all successful relationships will require some degree of work and negotiation but no friendship should be consistently inequitable, controlling or draining.  Your pals should lift you up, energize you and make you happy. You shouldn’t feel a sense of dread when the caller ID lights up with the phone number of someone who you call your best friend.

Or are we lonely because we give up too soon or we don’t value relationships as we should? Maybe we have all grown so selfish and self-absorbed that we can’t appreciate a good relationship when we have one staring us right in the face. What if our expectations have become excessively narcissistic, misguided and unrealistic? Perhaps the idealized images projected by TV, books and movies, seasoned with a sizeable dose of nostalgia, in combination with our fast paced, immediate-gratification culture have come together in a way that makes emotionally intimate friendship impossible or unsustainable. Maybe superficiality is the best anyone can really do and we should simply embrace it and be content with our lot.

Besides, how do you really know if someone is your friend anyway? Conversely, how do you know when someone who you think is your friend really isn’t? Frankly, how do you determine who is an asset in your relationship life and who is actually a liability? Who do you consider to be your friend? Is your next-door neighbor your friend or merely an acquaintance? What about your spouse, sibling or child? Is the barista you chat with every day when you pick up your morning coffee your friend? What about your coworkers or the other riders in your carpool or the person who works out next to you at the gym 3 times a week? Is the childhood buddy you talk to once every ten years at your high school reunion your friend? Can someone you’ve never met face to face really be your friend? Are all of your Facebook friends real friends? What about the people you play online games with every day? If virtual friends are real friends what does it mean when they can’t give you a hug, bring you soup when you’re sick or help you move that new couch into your apartment? We call dogs, “mans best friend.” Can a dog really be your best friend? The answers are not always easy or straightforward.

While we are on the subject, what exactly is a best friend, anyway? How do you decide when an acquaintance has become a friend? When is someone who was once your friend officially a friend no longer? All of these questions can get your head spinning and make you want to hide under the covers in sheer frustration.  To find the answers, it’s important to take some time to seriously consider your personal understanding of what friendship and loneliness mean in your own life. Your definition of friendship will be as unique as your fingerprint. It will help you determine who really is a friend to you and what significance this has for your sense of social support, interconnection and loneliness.

I am currently exploring the answers to these questions using a survey I’ve developed. In December, I will giving a TED talk on the topic of friendship. I would appreciate your input on my talk by clicking on the link below and completing my survey. 

Friendship Survey

Check back for future blogs where I will be exploring the topic of friendship further and sharing the results of my survey.

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

Follow me on twitter @drjsquyres

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The Changing Face of Friendship: A Brief Survey

I’m pleased and honored to be giving a TED talk at TEDxVail in January. Giving a TED talk has been a bucket list item of mine for years.

TED is all about sharing ideas worth spreading. In the 9 minutes allocated for my talk I will be discussing the changing face of friendship. Loneliness appears to be a silent epidemic in modern society. Research finds that more people report feeling lonely than at any previous time in history. In my psychotherapy practice, clients frequently admit to intense feelings of loneliness and difficulty finding and maintaining friendships. One might think these feelings are specifically related to the reason, such as depression, anxiety, stress or family problems that is bringing the client to therapy in the first place. However, I hear this lament from many different types of clients, regardless of their reason for seeking therapy. Many of these clients are charming, interesting, successful people who report no significant problems with friendships in the past.

Because of my general interest in the topic, I frequently ask people about their friendships. I hear the same poignant messages over and over such as, “I used to have a lot of close friends but now I don’t.” or “I hardly ever see my friends anymore.” or "I have a lot of people I enjoy staying in touch with but I don't have anyone to help me if I'm sick or I need to move a piece of furniture." or "Once my best friend got married, our relationship was never the same again." or "I'm on Facebook all the time but it only makes me feel worse." or "Nobody takes the time to really talk with each other anymore and I miss it."

 All of this seems paradoxical in light of our constant connectedness through social networking and electronic devices. I hope that by understanding the changes in our lifestyles, expectations, attitudes and resources over the past few decades, we can find ways to achieve greater feelings of closeness, connection and intimacy and enjoy the many benefits of better social support.

I’ve created a short questionnaire to survey opinions, issues, trends and attitudes about contemporary friendships. I want to understand how people define the difference between a friend, a best friend and an acquaintance. I am curious how access to social media, technology and smart phones influences feelings of loneliness and connection. How much time do we actually spend in face-to-face vs virtual encounters with friends? Who is considered a friend? How is friendship defined for most people? Exploring what different demographic groups have to say about loneliness and friendship will also be very interesting.

Many people have asked how they might be able to help me with my talk and my friendship project.

If you would like to help, I have two requests. The first is that you complete the brief friendship survey I’ve created by clicking on the link below and that you share this link (or just this whole blog) with as many people as you can. This will give me lots of data to work with. 

Friendship Survey

My second request is that you share your own ideas about friendship with me, either through comments on this blog or by back-channeling me via email. If you would like to email me, please click the link below for the email address listed on my website. You can also message me through my professional Facebook page (link below). Sadly, whenever I directly post my email address on my blog I get bombarded by spam.

Here's some of what I would like to hear:

What are some of your own favorite friendship stories?

What is your opinion about why friendships have changed so much?

What you think makes someone a best friend?

How does an acquaintance become a friend?

How have you dealt with a toxic friendship?

How you define the word friend?

How have friendships in your work place changed over time?

Do you believe loneliness is a silent epidemic?

What factors do you think are contributing to people’s feelings of loneliness?

And anything else you might like to share about the topic of friendship.

Thanks so much for your help. I look forward to your answers!

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

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TEDxVailWomen: Naturally Awesome

Happy Birthday TED!

TED talks are officially 30 years old this year. TED is a nonprofit organization dedicated to “Ideas Worth Spreading”. The acronym TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. The scope of topics covered in contemporary TED talks is much broader than what was originally envisioned at TED’s inception in 1984. TED conferences bring together some of the world's most creative, gifted and fascinating luminaries. These brilliant, provocative and inspiring speakers are engaged to give “the talk of their lives” in 18 minutes or less.  The mission of TED is “Spreading ideas. We believe passionately in the power of ideas to change attitudes, lives and ultimately, the world.” TED talks can be viewed for free on the TED website, TED.com, or on Youtube. If you have a little time to spare, just type TED talk into your browser’s search bar. It will take you to TED.com. Click on the “Playlists” button at the top of the window. Choose whatever entices you. Then, sit back and prepare to be amazed. If you are anything like me, hours can slide by and you will barely notice the time passing.

Even better than watching TED talks online is attending one live. While there is only one official TED conference each year, there are now independently organized TED events, called TEDx, which allow local communities and organizations to have a TED type of experience all their own. I’ve been regularly watching TED talks since they first become available online in 2007. Early last year, I was reading our local paper, The Vail Daily, and discovered that we had a TEDx group here in the Vail Valley. I contacted Kat Haber, the curator of this group, who offered me the chance to work on putting together the TEDxVailWomen event to be held December 5, 2013.

I had already officially designated 2013 as my “year of saying yes.” Since I had relocated to this area in the spring of 2012, making new friends, getting involved in my community, and networking were all high priorities for me.  Therefore, it didn’t require any thought at all for me to reply to Kat’s offer with an enthusiastic “Yes, I would love to!”

Creating our TEDxVailWomen event was exciting, challenging and, of course, a great deal of fun. The speakers had already been selected so I helped with logistics, financial planning, general organizing and photography. We ramped up our efforts in the weeks preceding the event and by December 5^th we were a little weary but a lot of ready.

The stage at the Edwards Interfaith Chapel, where our event was held, was simply beautiful. Expansive clerestory windows framed the mountains in the distance. One of our speakers is an artist who repurposes used bottles as art. Glorious painted bottles from her “Message in a Bottle” project were suspended from the ceiling. Since our theme was “Naturally”, verdant vertical hydroponic gardens bracketed the stage. Banners printed with the name of each talk and the speaker’s photo adorned the walls. A grand piano for 10 year-old Carnegie Hall concert pianist, Ursula Hardianto, reposed gracefully in one of the room’s front corners.  We scrambled to get all the computers, lighting, cameras and a/v equipment to sync.  Finally, everything was in place.  Kat took to the stage and the magic began.

This is not the appropriate time or place to describe all the moving parts of our event with the level of detail they so richly deserve, so I will have to make do with a simple list consisting of a quote from each of our speakers along with the title of their talks:

• ·      “Well-being is independent of circumstance.” ~ Christina Danyluk: Why I Smile at Pain.
• ·      “Walking Like Mountains is a way to think about and act on sustainability leadership in the 21^st century.” ~ Dr. Kim Langmaid: Walking Like Mountains.
• ·      “I coined the term ‘conservation photography’ and in doing so, I started a movement.” ~ Cristine Mittermeier: Photography won’t change the world.
• ·      “Everyone has a story…the best storytellers will create the future.” ~ Mikela Tarlow: Everybody’s Journey.
• ·      “The simple act of riding a bicycle can change your life.” ~ Elysa Walk: The Joy of Two Wheels.
• ·      “When you’re stuck, shift perspective.” ~ Dr. Susan Canney: Punch Above Your Weight, Mali Elephant Conservation.
• ·      “Rain or shine, I do it with a smile.” ~ Ursula Hardianto: Jazz Piece.
• ·      “The Fishing cat’s story is our story.” ~ Mo Heim: Fishing cats & The Foolish Girl’s Guide to Success.
• ·      “Our inability to perceive what has been lost to us prevents us from valuing and conserving what remains.” ~ Asher Jay: Last Exhale.

In addition to these speakers and performers we arranged social spaces to encourage people to meet and chat, along with interactive art, literary and paper projects so participants could play between sessions.  We rocked out to original rap music celebrating our “Naturally” theme from MCDT. We hosted a workshop on putting ideas into action, and listened to charming kids from Stone Creek Charter School give their own TED talks sharing clever innovative ideas for solving some of the worlds most pressing problems.

We enjoyed an abundance of delicious food and snacks. Beverages were served in water bottles donated from the Giant Bike Company and we all got to keep one. After the rap music performance, a multitude of beach balls were tossed from the stage. The audience was visibly delighted by this impromptu pseudo-volleyball extravaganza. Who can keep a smile from their face while busily batting at bright red and white TEDx emblazoned beach balls careening crazily around the room? Giggles and laughter rang out as the beach balls soared and bounced.

At last, the speakers were done and the livestream from San Francisco was over. The meals were eaten. The attendees said their good-byes with bellies full of delicious healthy fare and heads awhirl with new ideas and many happy memories of a passionately exciting day.

As we picked up trash, boxed items for next year, and restored the venue to its original pristine condition, a peaceful contentment settled over the team. More than 200 people had joined together to create a vibrant and exhilarating learning experience we hope they never forget. We did our job well. And now, it is time to set our sights on next year. Just think of the possibilities ahead! I can’t wait to see what we can accomplish for 2014. Whatever it is, I am sure it will be well worth the wait.

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

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