An introduction to my upcoming TED talk in a series of haikus

As mentioned in my earlier blogs, I am excited to be presenting at TEDxVail on the topic of friendship. The amazing group of  women who will be presenting that day have been meeting online each month to develop our talks and support each other in our efforts. One of the presenters is a poet, which got us on the topic of poetry. We all decided to write haikus about our upcoming talks. Here's what I wrote:

Why can't we be friends?
If it's only about you
There's nothing for me

Your drama tires me
Stress, anger and resentment?
That's not what I want

When I feel lonely
And It seems like no one cares
Facebook friends are there

Are you a new friend?
You seem nice, I'm not sure yet
An acquaintance still

You are a great friend
Your kind funny sincere joy
Fills my empty places

A strong Friendship House
With the right people inside
Will keep your heart full

I would appreciate your help with my TED talk by clicking on the link below and completing my short survey.:

Friendship Survey

Check back for future blogs where I will be exploring the topic of friendship further and sharing the results of my survey.

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

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The Changing Face of Friendship: A Brief Survey

I’m pleased and honored to be giving a TED talk at TEDxVail in January. Giving a TED talk has been a bucket list item of mine for years.

TED is all about sharing ideas worth spreading. In the 9 minutes allocated for my talk I will be discussing the changing face of friendship. Loneliness appears to be a silent epidemic in modern society. Research finds that more people report feeling lonely than at any previous time in history. In my psychotherapy practice, clients frequently admit to intense feelings of loneliness and difficulty finding and maintaining friendships. One might think these feelings are specifically related to the reason, such as depression, anxiety, stress or family problems that is bringing the client to therapy in the first place. However, I hear this lament from many different types of clients, regardless of their reason for seeking therapy. Many of these clients are charming, interesting, successful people who report no significant problems with friendships in the past.

Because of my general interest in the topic, I frequently ask people about their friendships. I hear the same poignant messages over and over such as, “I used to have a lot of close friends but now I don’t.” or “I hardly ever see my friends anymore.” or "I have a lot of people I enjoy staying in touch with but I don't have anyone to help me if I'm sick or I need to move a piece of furniture." or "Once my best friend got married, our relationship was never the same again." or "I'm on Facebook all the time but it only makes me feel worse." or "Nobody takes the time to really talk with each other anymore and I miss it."

 All of this seems paradoxical in light of our constant connectedness through social networking and electronic devices. I hope that by understanding the changes in our lifestyles, expectations, attitudes and resources over the past few decades, we can find ways to achieve greater feelings of closeness, connection and intimacy and enjoy the many benefits of better social support.

I’ve created a short questionnaire to survey opinions, issues, trends and attitudes about contemporary friendships. I want to understand how people define the difference between a friend, a best friend and an acquaintance. I am curious how access to social media, technology and smart phones influences feelings of loneliness and connection. How much time do we actually spend in face-to-face vs virtual encounters with friends? Who is considered a friend? How is friendship defined for most people? Exploring what different demographic groups have to say about loneliness and friendship will also be very interesting.

Many people have asked how they might be able to help me with my talk and my friendship project.

If you would like to help, I have two requests. The first is that you complete the brief friendship survey I’ve created by clicking on the link below and that you share this link (or just this whole blog) with as many people as you can. This will give me lots of data to work with. 

Friendship Survey

My second request is that you share your own ideas about friendship with me, either through comments on this blog or by back-channeling me via email. If you would like to email me, please click the link below for the email address listed on my website. You can also message me through my professional Facebook page (link below). Sadly, whenever I directly post my email address on my blog I get bombarded by spam.

Here's some of what I would like to hear:

What are some of your own favorite friendship stories?

What is your opinion about why friendships have changed so much?

What you think makes someone a best friend?

How does an acquaintance become a friend?

How have you dealt with a toxic friendship?

How you define the word friend?

How have friendships in your work place changed over time?

Do you believe loneliness is a silent epidemic?

What factors do you think are contributing to people’s feelings of loneliness?

And anything else you might like to share about the topic of friendship.

Thanks so much for your help. I look forward to your answers!

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

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TEDxVailWomen: Naturally Awesome

Happy Birthday TED!

TED talks are officially 30 years old this year. TED is a nonprofit organization dedicated to “Ideas Worth Spreading”. The acronym TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. The scope of topics covered in contemporary TED talks is much broader than what was originally envisioned at TED’s inception in 1984. TED conferences bring together some of the world's most creative, gifted and fascinating luminaries. These brilliant, provocative and inspiring speakers are engaged to give “the talk of their lives” in 18 minutes or less.  The mission of TED is “Spreading ideas. We believe passionately in the power of ideas to change attitudes, lives and ultimately, the world.” TED talks can be viewed for free on the TED website, TED.com, or on Youtube. If you have a little time to spare, just type TED talk into your browser’s search bar. It will take you to TED.com. Click on the “Playlists” button at the top of the window. Choose whatever entices you. Then, sit back and prepare to be amazed. If you are anything like me, hours can slide by and you will barely notice the time passing.

Even better than watching TED talks online is attending one live. While there is only one official TED conference each year, there are now independently organized TED events, called TEDx, which allow local communities and organizations to have a TED type of experience all their own. I’ve been regularly watching TED talks since they first become available online in 2007. Early last year, I was reading our local paper, The Vail Daily, and discovered that we had a TEDx group here in the Vail Valley. I contacted Kat Haber, the curator of this group, who offered me the chance to work on putting together the TEDxVailWomen event to be held December 5, 2013.

I had already officially designated 2013 as my “year of saying yes.” Since I had relocated to this area in the spring of 2012, making new friends, getting involved in my community, and networking were all high priorities for me.  Therefore, it didn’t require any thought at all for me to reply to Kat’s offer with an enthusiastic “Yes, I would love to!”

Creating our TEDxVailWomen event was exciting, challenging and, of course, a great deal of fun. The speakers had already been selected so I helped with logistics, financial planning, general organizing and photography. We ramped up our efforts in the weeks preceding the event and by December 5^th we were a little weary but a lot of ready.

The stage at the Edwards Interfaith Chapel, where our event was held, was simply beautiful. Expansive clerestory windows framed the mountains in the distance. One of our speakers is an artist who repurposes used bottles as art. Glorious painted bottles from her “Message in a Bottle” project were suspended from the ceiling. Since our theme was “Naturally”, verdant vertical hydroponic gardens bracketed the stage. Banners printed with the name of each talk and the speaker’s photo adorned the walls. A grand piano for 10 year-old Carnegie Hall concert pianist, Ursula Hardianto, reposed gracefully in one of the room’s front corners.  We scrambled to get all the computers, lighting, cameras and a/v equipment to sync.  Finally, everything was in place.  Kat took to the stage and the magic began.

This is not the appropriate time or place to describe all the moving parts of our event with the level of detail they so richly deserve, so I will have to make do with a simple list consisting of a quote from each of our speakers along with the title of their talks:

• ·      “Well-being is independent of circumstance.” ~ Christina Danyluk: Why I Smile at Pain.
• ·      “Walking Like Mountains is a way to think about and act on sustainability leadership in the 21^st century.” ~ Dr. Kim Langmaid: Walking Like Mountains.
• ·      “I coined the term ‘conservation photography’ and in doing so, I started a movement.” ~ Cristine Mittermeier: Photography won’t change the world.
• ·      “Everyone has a story…the best storytellers will create the future.” ~ Mikela Tarlow: Everybody’s Journey.
• ·      “The simple act of riding a bicycle can change your life.” ~ Elysa Walk: The Joy of Two Wheels.
• ·      “When you’re stuck, shift perspective.” ~ Dr. Susan Canney: Punch Above Your Weight, Mali Elephant Conservation.
• ·      “Rain or shine, I do it with a smile.” ~ Ursula Hardianto: Jazz Piece.
• ·      “The Fishing cat’s story is our story.” ~ Mo Heim: Fishing cats & The Foolish Girl’s Guide to Success.
• ·      “Our inability to perceive what has been lost to us prevents us from valuing and conserving what remains.” ~ Asher Jay: Last Exhale.

In addition to these speakers and performers we arranged social spaces to encourage people to meet and chat, along with interactive art, literary and paper projects so participants could play between sessions.  We rocked out to original rap music celebrating our “Naturally” theme from MCDT. We hosted a workshop on putting ideas into action, and listened to charming kids from Stone Creek Charter School give their own TED talks sharing clever innovative ideas for solving some of the worlds most pressing problems.

We enjoyed an abundance of delicious food and snacks. Beverages were served in water bottles donated from the Giant Bike Company and we all got to keep one. After the rap music performance, a multitude of beach balls were tossed from the stage. The audience was visibly delighted by this impromptu pseudo-volleyball extravaganza. Who can keep a smile from their face while busily batting at bright red and white TEDx emblazoned beach balls careening crazily around the room? Giggles and laughter rang out as the beach balls soared and bounced.

At last, the speakers were done and the livestream from San Francisco was over. The meals were eaten. The attendees said their good-byes with bellies full of delicious healthy fare and heads awhirl with new ideas and many happy memories of a passionately exciting day.

As we picked up trash, boxed items for next year, and restored the venue to its original pristine condition, a peaceful contentment settled over the team. More than 200 people had joined together to create a vibrant and exhilarating learning experience we hope they never forget. We did our job well. And now, it is time to set our sights on next year. Just think of the possibilities ahead! I can’t wait to see what we can accomplish for 2014. Whatever it is, I am sure it will be well worth the wait.

Check out my website: drjillsquyrespsychologist.com

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